At the tender age of twenty two I was on the fast track to becoming an ordained minister. I was flying through classes and had started a small healing practice. I communicated with angels and was learning to channel. I envisioned myself as a leader of a small new thought church, and I worked ferociously to move towards that goal.
Well, a couple things happened to derail that dream. And it remained derailed for quite some time. But that’s not really what this story is about.
It’s about one of the responses I got when I shared my plans with someone. First a laugh then a “You? A minister? Yeah right!” In their mind I was too sexy and openly sexual to be a spiritual leader. Or even to be spiritual, I suppose.
This person was nothing to me, they didn’t know my heart, and yet I’ve never forgotten that experience. It was one of the many, many messages I received that I should be ashamed of my sexuality. That sexy and spiritual don’t mix. That, worst of all, strong sexual energy makes you a BAD, unholy woman.
It’s taken me a long time to unravel those messages and call it what it is. Bullshit.
I used to vacillate very dramatically between my dark, sexy, “bad” self, and my love and light, spiritual, good self. All that outside programming that I took on created a chasm between the two. Good and bad did not mix.
Until I fell down that deep, dark split in my soul and hit rock bottom one too many times. If I was going to survive, I had no choice but to cross that chasm and find integration. I had no choice but to peel off the layers of outside judgement and seek out the beauty and truth hidden in my heart. The beauty and truth that had always been there, but I had forgotten.
And here’s what that beauty and truth said: your sexuality is a gift, no less holy than your awareness of Me. There is nothing to be ashamed of, for in Me shame does not exist. And dear, beautiful healer… in this lifetime, your sexuality is safe.
I realized that much of my struggle with these supposedly opposing energies did not even belong to this body here and now, but rather to my soul, carried over from lifetimes in which I was persecuted, tortured, and murdered. This is not the first time I have lived as a powerful woman, sexual and spiritual. I carry the experiences of being both worshiped and revered in matriarchal societies as a Temple Priestess – a woman who used sex to heal and bless. And I carry the antithesis of that.
If you are reading this, and this resonates, you probably carry these experiences too.
If you are a powerful, sexual, soulful woman who struggles to be either sexy or spiritual, I want to tell you that it’s okay to be both. It’s beautiful to be both! It’s holy to be both. How can there possibly be shame in possessing and expressing through a beautiful body that was created through the act of sex?
Do not allow the patriarchy, that has wounded you long enough, manipulate your inner world and split your soul. Know that it is safe to step out and speak out as the healer, wise woman, sex goddess, and priestess that you are.
Do what work you can to clear the conditioning you received. Some suggestions: past life regressions, energy healing, learn and practice Sacred Sexuality, befriend your Yoni (pussy,) receive Yoni massage, and most importantly love, love, love yourself and your body as fiercely as you can.
I wish I could go back and tell all of this to that twenty two year old self… but I cannot.
But perhaps you need to hear it instead…
Your sexuality is a gift, no less holy than your awareness of Me.
There is nothing to be ashamed of, for in Me shame does not exist.
And dear, beautiful healer… in this lifetime, your sexuality is safe.